Thursday, September 25, 2014

Continuing to Remember Where I Began

        In September of 2010 I had begun to settle into our new home in Virginia and although things were a little tense between the husband and I, I was determined to use my time away from work to finally give my health the front seat. I found a wonderful and extremely cheap community gym and began, for the first time in my life, focus on exercising. Real exercise. I also followed the same diet plan as I had in the past, but my crowning glory was my daily devotion to sweat. As the holidays approached I slacked off a bit and then we found out my husband would be deploying in March. I decided to put my training on hold until he left to maximize time together. I did gain some back but I'm not sure how much anymore.

October 2010

November 2010

January 2011

February 2011

March 2011

             My husband left for deployment in March and I got back to work on myself soon after. I didn't take many pictures between March and May but I worked out at least 5 days a week; I would usually do about 45 minutes of strength training a day combined with anywhere from 30 mins to 1.5 hours of cardio. I was becoming a gym beast but I didn't realize it at the time. Had I pushed myself I'm sure I could have done things I never dreamed possible, but being my first time in such great shape I really didn't realize how great I was actually doing.

May 2011

June 2011

July 2011

July 2011

            My husband came home early in July from his deployment because of adjustment difficulties... off the record, it was his alcoholism. Things had gotten pretty bad while he was gone, I was convinced he was going to get himself killed or hurt someone else with his anger issues. Even though we fought a lot while he was gone and I cried daily over the things that were going on I had managed to stay focused and reached the low 150's yet again. Only this time I was actually fit and starting to really tone up, I looked much better than the first time I managed to see the 150's on the scales. After he came home his alcoholism got even worse for a short time before he voluntarily went into a rehab program. I got a job for the first time in a year not long after he got back and only a couple of months later I found out that despite my religious use of birth control, I was pregnant.

      I never told anyone about the pregnancy other than my husband, two very close friends, and my blog followers. My husband was in mandatory lock down at rehab when I had the miscarriage. They let him out to come to the hospital, it was surreal. Here I was miscarrying a child I never wanted, with a man I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with anymore, and all I felt was failure. I failed to support my husband while he was gone and he cracked. I failed to reach the goals I wanted to make before my body was hijacked by hormones. I failed to even do pregnancy right. I just failed at life completely. This was in October and I just quit giving a damn about really much of anything including my weight.

     It's something I could only see in retrospect. At the time I seemed stoic about it all, ask anyone and they'll tell you I never wanted children. I still don't. But something about it just made me numb inside- failing that is. My body was never the same after that; I swear my hips and pouch got bigger and my butt and thighs grew fatter, I felt completely violated by some invisible force that just changed me from the inside out. I grieved for myself, for my little family that I could feel coming apart at the seams, I grieved for the life that I missed when things were simpler, but that didn't last very long... as soon as the holidays rolled by we found out he was deploying again and I was terrified that ground hog day was coming.

October 2011

November 2011

December 2011

February 2012

To Be Continued...


  1. I never knew you went through that. I remember you mentioning that your husband had anger issues, but I can't recollect you writing about any alcohol problems. I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that virtually by yourself. You DID NOT fail. We can't carry our partners through every single problem, and alcoholism is an addiction. I hope you realize now that no matter how good of a person you were you couldn't "fix" your partner. HUGS.
    Miscarriage really messes with our hormones. :( I've had several miscarriages, so I know first hand what it does to a woman's mind and body. I hope you were able to find support. If you ever want to talk about it- you know where to find me.

    1. Thanks Didi, I really don't even remember if I said that he had an alcohol issue for sure. For a long time I didn't admit to myself that he had a drinking problem... in part that was due to his reaction when I suggested it I guess. I was scared to ever "upset" him and everything always did. Now that it's been some time it's easier to talk about I guess. He's been sober for 3 years now.