My husband came home early in July from his deployment because of adjustment difficulties... off the record, it was his alcoholism. Things had gotten pretty bad while he was gone, I was convinced he was going to get himself killed or hurt someone else with his anger issues. Even though we fought a lot while he was gone and I cried daily over the things that were going on I had managed to stay focused and reached the low 150's yet again. Only this time I was actually fit and starting to really tone up, I looked much better than the first time I managed to see the 150's on the scales. After he came home his alcoholism got even worse for a short time before he voluntarily went into a rehab program. I got a job for the first time in a year not long after he got back and only a couple of months later I found out that despite my religious use of birth control, I was pregnant.
I never told anyone about the pregnancy other than my husband, two very close friends, and my blog followers. My husband was in mandatory lock down at rehab when I had the miscarriage. They let him out to come to the hospital, it was surreal. Here I was miscarrying a child I never wanted, with a man I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with anymore, and all I felt was failure. I failed to support my husband while he was gone and he cracked. I failed to reach the goals I wanted to make before my body was hijacked by hormones. I failed to even do pregnancy right. I just failed at life completely. This was in October and I just quit giving a damn about really much of anything including my weight.
It's something I could only see in retrospect. At the time I seemed stoic about it all, ask anyone and they'll tell you I never wanted children. I still don't. But something about it just made me numb inside- failing that is. My body was never the same after that; I swear my hips and pouch got bigger and my butt and thighs grew fatter, I felt completely violated by some invisible force that just changed me from the inside out. I grieved for myself, for my little family that I could feel coming apart at the seams, I grieved for the life that I missed when things were simpler, but that didn't last very long... as soon as the holidays rolled by we found out he was deploying again and I was terrified that ground hog day was coming.