Friday, September 26, 2014

And Then Life Happened

           It was my full intention to continue my narrative of what has brought me to the place I am now. Spoiler alert, it was going to end with me finally being in a state of peace and ready to continue my journey free from stress and limitation. That story has a different ending now, funny how your life can quite literally change just overnight.

          I had a ton of trouble sleeping last night and probably didn't meander off to bed until close to 5am. I woke up around 9am to a phone call, turned on the tv and eventually went back to sleep. The next time I opened my eyes I was startled by a banging noise coming from the hallway. Was the cat making that awful racket? Had maintenance come in and I didn't hear them knock? Was it already past 5pm and my husband made it home?

        I threw on a gown and walked into the hallway and determined it was my husband on the phone in the bathroom, I looked at the time, it was only noon. Still groggy and startled I knocked on the door and he opened it with the phone to his ear, I think it was his brother. As he got off the phone I told him he scared me and asked him why he was home so early. He only said go look on my night stand, which is his classic style of answering questions irritatingly skewed. I went to the bedroom and looked, on the nightstand was a piece of paper with his company's letterhead. In bold letters at the top it read, Letter of Termination.

       I'm still feeling pretty gutted and feel our life and plans starting to unravel and fall into a tailspin once again. I have no idea what we are going to do. I'll write more later, for now writing this was hard enough.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Continuing to Remember Where I Began

        In September of 2010 I had begun to settle into our new home in Virginia and although things were a little tense between the husband and I, I was determined to use my time away from work to finally give my health the front seat. I found a wonderful and extremely cheap community gym and began, for the first time in my life, focus on exercising. Real exercise. I also followed the same diet plan as I had in the past, but my crowning glory was my daily devotion to sweat. As the holidays approached I slacked off a bit and then we found out my husband would be deploying in March. I decided to put my training on hold until he left to maximize time together. I did gain some back but I'm not sure how much anymore.

October 2010

November 2010

January 2011

February 2011

March 2011

             My husband left for deployment in March and I got back to work on myself soon after. I didn't take many pictures between March and May but I worked out at least 5 days a week; I would usually do about 45 minutes of strength training a day combined with anywhere from 30 mins to 1.5 hours of cardio. I was becoming a gym beast but I didn't realize it at the time. Had I pushed myself I'm sure I could have done things I never dreamed possible, but being my first time in such great shape I really didn't realize how great I was actually doing.

May 2011

June 2011

July 2011

July 2011

            My husband came home early in July from his deployment because of adjustment difficulties... off the record, it was his alcoholism. Things had gotten pretty bad while he was gone, I was convinced he was going to get himself killed or hurt someone else with his anger issues. Even though we fought a lot while he was gone and I cried daily over the things that were going on I had managed to stay focused and reached the low 150's yet again. Only this time I was actually fit and starting to really tone up, I looked much better than the first time I managed to see the 150's on the scales. After he came home his alcoholism got even worse for a short time before he voluntarily went into a rehab program. I got a job for the first time in a year not long after he got back and only a couple of months later I found out that despite my religious use of birth control, I was pregnant.

      I never told anyone about the pregnancy other than my husband, two very close friends, and my blog followers. My husband was in mandatory lock down at rehab when I had the miscarriage. They let him out to come to the hospital, it was surreal. Here I was miscarrying a child I never wanted, with a man I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with anymore, and all I felt was failure. I failed to support my husband while he was gone and he cracked. I failed to reach the goals I wanted to make before my body was hijacked by hormones. I failed to even do pregnancy right. I just failed at life completely. This was in October and I just quit giving a damn about really much of anything including my weight.

     It's something I could only see in retrospect. At the time I seemed stoic about it all, ask anyone and they'll tell you I never wanted children. I still don't. But something about it just made me numb inside- failing that is. My body was never the same after that; I swear my hips and pouch got bigger and my butt and thighs grew fatter, I felt completely violated by some invisible force that just changed me from the inside out. I grieved for myself, for my little family that I could feel coming apart at the seams, I grieved for the life that I missed when things were simpler, but that didn't last very long... as soon as the holidays rolled by we found out he was deploying again and I was terrified that ground hog day was coming.

October 2011

November 2011

December 2011

February 2012

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Remembering Where I Began

          It's been quite some time since I even moderately focused on anything that could remotely be considered a blog, diary, or journal. I miss it sometimes and other times I try to tell myself that I have nothing to say or that it just takes up too much time. Well at the moment all I seem to have is time and I think that means it's time to try to find myself again. I was a healthier person when I blogged full time; my body and brain thrive on a routine. I think that it just might be time to start again. Rather than make a dramatically long post about what has been going on for the last couple of years or so, I'll just explain and bring up things as the become relevant. Right now the biggest thing on my mind is my health and so that's where I will begin.

        Meet Pepagirl circa 2006-2007, probably somewhere close my heaviest of 282 but really, who the hell knows... at a certain point you really just don't keep a very good eye on the scales.

June 2006

October 2007

December 2007

      I stayed somewhere in this general range from 2004 through 2008, during that time I got married, moved to a new state (California), made new friends and started a new job. I wasn't a slave to the scale for a long time but somewhere after the time that I saw 282 I lost about 40 pounds by January of 2008. I attribute that to cooking being a more active person in general and a brief stint of doing Atkins in the Fall of 2007. Anyway, I got serious about weight loss in January of 2008. I started slowly just with dieting and walking combined with my daily activity at work. I kept that up until we moved to Washington in May of 2008, I was down to around 210 to 220 pounds between January and May.

March 2008

April 2008

        I really tried to focus even harder on losing weight once we got out new house, I got another new job and again combined my daily activity at work with diet, walking and occasional at home videos. I swear I never set foot in a gym, everything seemed to melt off through diet and simple exercise- it was amazing. Things were really simple and happy at home, I now remember this crummy little house as the happiest era in my life.

June 2008

July 2008

July 2008

             All Summer things were good, life was happy and I was completely pumped by how quickly I was losing and how much better I felt. I really have come to believe that happiness is a huge key to weigh loss, the happier and more stress free my life was, the easier it was as well. I had to buy new clothes for the first time in a long time and it was such a new and amazing thing to try to figure out what would look good on my new body.

September 2008

October 2008

October 2008

      By November of 2008 we had moved again (in the same town) to a beautiful house right before the holidays. I was down to 152.8 pounds at my lightest in the Fall of 2008, a number I have been chasing ever since. Shortly after this picture was taken my mother passed and my efforts at weight loss sputtered and stalled for a number of months. My weight swinging up to 20 pounds in a matter of weeks, I wasn't happy and probably not that healthy but I managed to hold things together the best I could.

November 2008

December 2008

February 2009

March 2009

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

September 2009

January 2010

            So for the year of 2009 I pretty much maintained or went back and forth a few pounds here and there up until that Fall. We went on a cruise in September and after coming home we were really stressed out because another move was coming up in December and things were pretty uncertain with our future. My husbands drinking was also getting a lot worse and we were both really unhappy. When I weighed myself in January of 2010 I was up around 190 pounds. Until March we separated by his job and finally got temporary housing together in Florida where he was training. I joined Curves in April of 2010, the first gym I'd ever been a member of. My starting weight with Curves was 182 pounds. I have no pictures of myself or anything for that matter from our time in Florida. I was extremely stressed and unhappy and my husbands drinking had reached an all time high. I refer to Florida now as the "hobo days" because we had nothing and life hard. We moved again in July of 2010 to Virginia.

August 2010

September 2010

       For awhile things calmed down even though things were still strained with my husbands alcoholism, being in a new place brought some adjustment time that kept things busy for a time. I decided to not get a job for the first time in 6 years and actually focus on my health and weight loss. I'd come so close, I knew that if things would just stay stress free for a few months that I could finally reach my goals.

To Be Continued...